Confessions

Okay, time to be honest. I fell off the wagon. I fell 10lbs off the wagon.

I knew that I had been lazy. I knew I had been making all sorts of excuses. I knew I’d been letting my emotions play too big of a part in my health and I knew at a minimum, I was plateaued.

This weekend I needed to go buy jeans, as my go to pair is wearing thin, and should be replaced before they rip and it’s a public wardrobe malfunction. The last time I went shopping I had been between an 8 and 10, much closer to the 8 side of that scale. This weekend it was a solid 12 that fit me, across the board. It was this huge slap in the face, exactly the wakeup call I needed.

I have worked very hard to be able buy in the single digits, and I’m not going to let that slip away because I got lazy and was pouting and eating pasta.

When I got back from shopping I did the thing that I had been avoiding, in order to keep lying to myself about maintaining. I got on the scale. I had gained 10lbs. It’s right there, clear as day. 10lbs is about a size, which explains why I had to keep trading out my size 10’s for size 12’s in the dressing room.

I had all these big aspirations of doing this Jillian Michaels 30 day burn, and really toning up, but that did not work. I’m not fit enough to do those work outs. Which sucks, but it’s not the end of the world. I have lost 50lbs. I only gained back 10.

So this week I got my life back in order. I’m letting go of the 30 shred for now. I can always come back to it later, but a work out you can’t complete that leaves you feeling discouraged helps no one. I’m going back to my first love which is running. It’s how I started losing weight to begin with, and I still have plenty of pounds to lose before I start really focusing on toning anyway. I’m hoping at the end of the summer, after I finish another tough mudder, I’ll be able to pick that book back up, and actually do the work outs.

I’m also cleaning out my diet. I’m switching back to an advocare mindset. Heavy protein, no refined sugars, no white carbs. I’m counting every calorie and tracking everything I eat. No more ignorance. No more excuses, no more “just this once”. Summer will be here soon, and I don’t want to start out the summer wishing I had worked harder in the winter. As hard it was to face facts, I’m so glad that I did. 10lbs isn’t that much. I can be back on track within a month.

This is the first time I’ve had backwards progress in this journey to be a better me. I’ve stalled out, gotten lazy, and plateaued. I’ve never gained significant weight back. I’ve always wondered how the people I see that made this same journey slipped backwards, and then had to do it all over again. Now I see exactly how it happens. It doesn’t happen all at once, and it’s so easy to lie to yourself.

I told myself that it wasn’t happening, because my clothes still fit. But Saturday roommate and I were getting ready to go out, and clothes that had fit the month before did not look the same. Yeah, my clothes fit, but not all of them. I had been choosing the things that would work, and if I’m being really honest, avoiding the things I knew would not work right now.

Even once you do notice, it’s so easy to fall into self pity, to tell yourself that you’ll start tomorrow, and just have this one last indulgence. After all, you gained 10lbs, what’s one more cookie? When I saw that number on the scale, the first thing I thought was how did I let this happen? How much further would I have let it go? What is wrong with me? I'm a failure.

I fell into a sort of hopeless shame spiral. Those are the sort of thoughts that lead to giving up, which leads you back to where you started. Back to where I do not want to be.

I’m so lucky that I have the most incredible roommate. I honestly do not know what I would do without her, so help me when we both get married and have to live with boys instead of each other. She called me out on Saturday. She pointed out that this was a minor setback and that I’d lost 5 times what I’d just gained. She did not allow negativity or self-wallowing. She also decided to eat healthy with me this week, to get me back on track, and made a gym date every day this week.

People that do not know roommate, do not know what a big deal this is. She has the most ridiculous metabolism, and is known to eat 2 boxes of mac and cheese, with kielbasas, in one sitting by herself (I did mention she’s a size 2 right?). She doesn’t need to diet, in fact dieting is pretty much against her religion. If I were her, I most certainly would not diet. Ever. At all.

But this week it’s chicken and green beans for dinner, and scrambled eggs with veggies for breakfast, and snacks of bananas and apples and greek yogurt. For me, it’s more than just this week, but for her to even do one week is really motivating me to keep it together.

I also wanted to come clean on here. I’m no longer lying to myself, nor to anyone that reads this blog. Let the record show I fell off the wagon. Let the record also show that I picked myself up, and went right back to kicking ass.

 

Don’t judge me, but....

Okay guys. I’m going to admit it. I love Valentine’s Day.

I do. I love it. Look forward to it every year. It’s the high point between some other days I love, Thanksgiving, and my Birthday. In fact, I think those may be my 3 favorite Holidays. Thanksgiving, Valentine’s Day, and my birthday. (yes, my birthday is a holiday, there is no point in arguing with me about it. It’s in 4 months and 5 days, it will be epic. As always. In fact, I think my second annual 25^th birthday is going to be even more epic than my first annual 25^th birthday)

I don’t only love Valentine’s Day when I’m in a relationship either. In fact, I think I like it more single. Then there’s no pressure, no stress, I just get to enjoy all the love around me J

For me, Valentine’s Day is not just a romantic holiday. It’s about celebrating ALL of the loves in your life. I think it’s nice to take a day, and celebrate love. What’s not to like about that? I can’t understand all the Valentine’s Day haters. If you’re single, and unhappy about it, then you should be doing something about it! Get a hobby, ask your friends, date online. There’s plenty of ways to meet people. There are also so many other loves to celebrate! Your friends, your siblings, your parents, your grandparents, your pets! Everyone has someone that they love. Celebrate it! And if you’re in a relationship, then what is your problem!?! You love that person, so celebrate it! It doesn’t have to be expensive; it just needs to be genuine.

My valentine this year is of the four legged variety. This morning I spent 10 minutes cuddling in bed with him and giving him extra belly scratches. It did not cost me anything, and was actually a really nice way to start off the day, instead of rushing straight into the getting ready routine. Valentines of the human variety would probably also appreciate a little bit of extra attention, but maybe leave out the belly scratches. That might be weird. ;)

It probably doesn’t hurt my love of Valentine’s Day that I’m a sucker for themes/Holidays of all varieties, pink is my favorite color, and I’m an absolutely hopeless romantic.

So today, have a piece of chocolate, tell the people that you love how much they mean to you, and wear pink. And if anyone gives you a hard time, then throw chocolate at them and ask why they hate love.

Uno, Dos......

So, Today is day 2 of the 30 day challenge. One work out in. It sort of hurts to breathe, which makes me really happy….I might have a problem. I absolutely love waking up and being sore. To me that soreness means progress. I’m getting stronger, and closer to my goals; which is a fantastic feeling.

As for the meals, well to be honest, those failed before they even started. I sat down on Friday afternoon and went over the recommended diet plan and started looking at the recipes and realized that this was probably not going to work for me. All of the recipes are based on 4-6 servings, and most of the food doesn’t seem like the sort of stuff that will keep well. Plus a lot of the food was crazy expensive, (Where does one even buy swordfish?). Add in to that the fact that I’m such a picky eater, and well, you can see why this did not work. That doesn’t mean that I’m totally giving up though. I am going to follow the breakfast plan, because it’s easy stuff, that’s really high in protein, which is exactly what I need in the mornings. The last 2 mornings I had Kashi Go Lean cereal and scrambled eggs. Honestly the cereal alone would have been enough. Other than that I’m just trying to keep my carbs low and my protein high, and stick with whole grain carbs and lean proteins. I’m also going to try and cut out refined sugars and flours, and eat multiple meals a day. So basically I’m doing a sustainable version of Advocare. I did use the formula for how many calories I need per day, and what the ratio (carbs/fats/proteins) should be, and am doing my best to keep that up as well.  I’m also going to stick with the no alcohol rule.

The first work out was awesome, but man was it hard. I’m not sure that I can keep up with these works outs, but be assured I’m going to do my best. When I say I couldn’t do them, I don’t mean I’m lazy and had muscle fatigue. That’s crap and when that happened I pushed through (that’s right burpies and static squats; I’m coming for you!). I’m talking about not having the actual physical strength to complete an exercise. The one that this was most apparent on for me was side plank with inner thigh raises. I barely have the core strength to hold a strong side plank. Add in an attempt at a leg raise, and I was falling to the side right and left. It was pretty embarrassing given I do my work outs in the main room of my gym. But I persevered and continued to embarrass myself anyway.

 

 

I just kept looking at my form in the mirror and thinking about the body that I want. I won’t get that body by giving up. The only way I’m going to be able to have the strength to do the exercises I can’t is by attempting them, and getting a little better every time.

At the end of last summer I couldn’t even do 2 non-modified push-ups. I started training for tough mudder and would watch roommate bust out a dozen push-ups plus in the one minute that I did maybe 5 modified push-ups. I decided that would not do. So I stopped modifying my push-ups. I worked first on just being able to lower my body in a controlled manner, then I would drop on my knees to raise myself back into starting position. Eventually I was able to lower up and down, and increase my reps and decrease my rest needed.

In the fitness assessment I did before I started this program I did 15 un-modified push-ups in one minute. So I know that I can train my body to do anything that I want. It won’t be easy, but I do believe it will be worth it. Tonight is another intense training session, then tomorrow a rest day (by rest I mean easy cardio in the pool, lol, it’s only 30 days, who needs rest!). Then Thursday, it’s a double whammy of an intense work out, then volleyball. Here’s hoping I don’t let my team down!