T minus 4 days

 

Okay. As promised I’m freaking out a little bit. Okay a lot. The tough mudder is on Saturday. My training the last 2 weeks has been spotty at best, but even if that training had been picture perfect, I would probably still feel exactly how I feel. This is the most intense physical feat I have attempted to accomplish to date. The triathlon and the half marathon seem like jokes in comparison to this. But I think that’s only because those are accomplished feats, and this feat is staring me right in the face. But I know I can do this, and I’m also really excited to get physical and push my limit. That’s how I know how strong I really am!

I always find with these events, it’s the tiny details that I fixate on. Where will we park? Will we get there in enough time to not be rushed? Where are we going to put our bags? Can we change after the event before the party? There’s some amount of irony in this, as the event itself is so challenging. Who cares where you park, you’re about to have to scale three twelve foot plywood walls, covered in mud, while you’re sopping wet from an ice bath. I think maybe this is some sort of coping mechanism. I can’t deal with how I’m going to run 12 miles and complete 24 obstacles along the way. So instead I focus on where we will park the car and put our things. Those are the sort of problem scenarios I can deal with.

I dealt with all of these exact same feelings in the weeks leading up to the triathlon. For my first triathlon, where I swam 800 meters, biked 13 miles, and then ran a 5k, I was the most concerned about transition points. What I would wear to swim, how I would transition from the swim gear to the biking gear. In hindsight, those were silly details that were easily solved by a good synthetic sports bra and a wetsuit shirt. The transitions were the easiest part of the whole thing.

I also find that I focus a lot more on events after the race, then the race itself. In the last week before the tri, I was mostly thinking about the vacation in Chelan I was going to have after the race. Right now, I’m thinking a lot more about a weekend in Leavenworth for Oktoberfest, than the race in 4 days.

The other problem that I have the week before an event, is that I can’t work out. For me, no gym time means I’m antsy and have extra energy and am anxious. Working out is how I deal with everything that’s happening in my life. On my runs is when I get my head straight and prioritize. The problem is compounded, because not only do I have the regular amount of anxiety that comes with life, I have additional anxiety about an event happening.

I guess maybe that’s the point. All this extra stuff happening in my head and my muscles will propel me on Saturday to do things I wasn’t sure I was capable of.  I’m also already finding myself looking for the next big thing that I want to do.

I’ve been plateaued with my weight loss all summer, and now that’s fall, I think I need to switch up my eating and my training, to get back into the losing cycle. I’ve found that for me personally, I start up something new, drop 10lbs very quickly, then plateau for increasing long periods. Until I get fed up and start up something completely different.

So I’m excited about the tough mudder, and even more excited about getting started on a new to be determined training plan after the mudder and getting off this plateau

 I’m also sooo excited about a really cool project I’m working on for roommate’s birthday. But since roommate knows about the blog I can’t talk about. But it’s SO awesome. I hope. I’m sorry for being so vague, and I promised to post about it, after she knows about it.

Here's a picture of the awesomeness I can expect on on Sat

 

 

 

Here's a picture of all my potential new boyfriends..... 

You thought I would put myself through this for "fun"? Psssshhh!

 

Happy

Today I woke up happy. I know that this sounds like a small thing, but when you lack internal happiness for a while, its return is so wonderful! The last few weeks I’ve been in such a funk. I’ve had happy moments, but I haven’t been happy. It’s been work for me to positive. I’ve been mopey, and jealous, and frankly probably not that pleasant to be around (sorry roommate, you’re the best!). When someone has to try and be happy, it’s obvious.

I am generally a really happy person. I usually can see the best in things and people. I normally always feel like things about to get awesome, so even when they’re terrible, I’m still happy, because I know that any minute, they’re going to get awesome again. Because I usually have an internal happiness, when that goes away, I’m lost. I’m terrible at pretending to be happy, because it’s not something that I usually have to do. I suppose the only good thing about these occasional funks is that one, I recognize them and try to combat them, and two, once they’re gone I’m all the more happy! I appreciate that internal happiness and am grateful that this is an occasional struggle for me, as I know a lot of people struggle with positivity and happiness every day.

I’ve been trying to think all morning about what changed between every day the last 3 weeks and today. I don’t think it was just one thing, and I also think, at least for me, sometimes it just takes time. Last night was the first good night of sleep I’ve gotten in weeks, but that presents a chicken or the egg. Have I been sleeping poorly the last few weeks because I’ve been anxious, or have I been extra anxious because I was lacking sleep?

I also had a great conversation with my parents last night. I am so grateful for the relationship that I have with them. I’m very close with both of my parents. I can talk to them easily 4 times a week. This puts me in the minority among my friends, where weekly conversations may seem excessive. If I go 4 days without talking to one of them, it’s a long time. They are my sounding bored, my best source of advice, the world’s greatest cheerleaders. I could not ask for better parents and I hope that they know that I appreciate them, each and every day.

Everything that I have been able to accomplish in life has been a direct result of their parenting. They made me strong and independent and a hard worker. It’s only because of their support that I’ve been able to take all the leaps of faith that allowed me to be where I am. I was able to move out of state to go to college because I knew if I failed, if it were too hard, I could go back home to them. They enabled me to take a risk, I knew if I fell, it would be okay. In a more real sense, they consigned the loans that allowed me to attend a private university in a major city. As I struggle to repay those loans, I know this was no small risk.

I think that at times they probably wish they didn’t make me quite so independent. But they appreciate me for what I am, and I hope that I make them proud.

I credit the majority of my success and happiness in life to my parents. Yes, I’ve seized opportunities and worked hard to be where I am. But it was my parents that taught me that hard work is rewarded. It was my parents that helped me get into a place where opportunities would be presented for the seizing.

It’s sometimes ironic to me, how much credit I feel they deserve for my success. I’ve known people in life that blame all their failure and unhappiness on their parents. That attitude makes no sense to me. At some point you need to be accountable and take control of your own happiness; blaming someone else, a parent, a spouse, a boss will never correct the problem. Yet the flip of that is that I think my parents deserve all the credit for who I am. I guess I think that parents should just always do the best that they are able. And the best you can do is always good enough. So maybe my parents were able to do more, to put me in a better place, and then I ran with that. So maybe those people who blame their parents weren’t put into to such a good place. They still could have ran with it and made something wonderful for themselves.  If I were to flip it, my parents didn’t pay for college, because they were not able. They did the best they could by co-signing loans I never could have gotten on my own. I could have let that hold me back and sat home pouting that I couldn’t go to college because no one would pay for it; but I didn’t . I appreciated what they were able to do for me and used that as a jumping off point to do something for myself.

Also, as an update, hot tub boating was exactly as epic as it sounds. The dance party until 4am was absolutely worth only getting 3 hours of sleep. Roomate and I made a rubber ducky friend.

This weekend is Oktoberfest in Fremont, then next weekend it’s time to get dirty at the tough mudder! I’m terrified so I apologize if all posts next week relate to my fear of getting electrocuted, letting the team down, and being freezing cold. It’s going to be awesome.

Shenanigans and the evil green monster

Lately I’m really struggling at staying positive. I’m plateaued with my weight loss, I feel lost in terms of my goals for life and the direction that I’m headed, and I’m insanely jealous of just about every person I encounter. It is not a healthy place to be.

Luckily, I’m surrounded with amazing, understanding people. Also, those people do really great stuff and invite me along. This weekend roommate and I went camping with a bunch of my cousins and their spouses and friends. We went to Moses Lake, Wa, for relaxing, dirt biking, and jet skiing.

Roommate and I left Friday afternoon around 3 and took I-90 straight to Moses Lake. We arrived before everyone else, so we headed into town to hit up some happy hour before camping commenced. The food was so amazing. I think food is my favorite thing about small towns. We had mozzarella sticks that were huge; freshly battered as well, of course. I wish I had taken a picture of these ridiculous cheese sticks. They warranted a picture. Also, there was fresh grated cheese, on top of the cheese sticks. It was the most ridiculous thing ever. The restaurant we ate out was right on the lake and the view was amazing.

 

After drinks and food we met up with everyone else to head out on the dunes and set up camp. We all got settled in to camp and then set around a warm fire in the middle of a beautiful sandy dune. I’m so blessed that not only do I have cousins close by, that I enjoy being around, but those cousins have married some of the best people that I know. We all set around the fire Friday night, drinking, laughing and enjoying the fire and each other’s company.

Saturday morning we got up and made breakfast (that same family also has some really amazing cooks. So spoiled!); then headed down to the lake for the afternoon. We stayed at the lake all day, playing on jet skis, floating on the water and watching the dogs chase each other around. Roommate even had a coordinated outfit with the youngest member of our little camp. She would like everyone to know that Teegan is the most stylish baby she has ever met.

 

Saturday night we made dinner and sat around the campfire again, then got up Sunday morning and packed for home. I think what made this weekend so much fun was the really amazing people I got to spend it with. I watch my cousins with the people that they have found to marry and I know that it’s worth all the heartache and the pain to eventually find someone that you love that much. To see the little families that they have made makes me so excited for my own future. It also reminds me not to compromise. Everything that I want is out there; I just need to be ready for it. And really that’s the point of all the hard work I’ve been putting in. I need to make myself into the best possible version of me, so that when I meet a really incredible guy, that’s everything that I want, I’ll be everything that he wants too.  Watching how happy all those couple are, I know that something that special is worth waiting for.

Sometimes it’s hard, because I want everything on my own timeline, or more specifically on the timeline that others have gotten it. In the past year I’ve been single and haven’t met a single boy that I really wanted to be with, that met all my criteria, and that wanted me too. Now I’m watching my roommate start dating this guy that’s everything she wants, after being single for weeks, not months. And it’s so hard. Hard to be happy for her and not jealous. Hard not to wonder what’s wrong with me. The hardest part of it all is not stamping my feet and shouting about how unfair it all is.

 

I usually feel like people that are jealous are just unhappy with their own life. I’m not sure if that’s the case though. I think that jealousy is natural. It’s human, just like wanting to have more than you have and being better than you were. It’s only natural to see people with things you want and to want them to. I think how you react to that jealous feeling is what reflects most on your own happiness.

So I’m doing my best to smile and listen when she talks about him. And to encourage her to bring him out with the two of us, since I need to make sure he’s good enough for her. She’s the most incredible person I know, and he better recognize that fact. I am geninuly happy for her and want her to be happy. It's not her fault that she found someone great so quickly. And the times that I know I can’t smile and be happy for her, I leave the room, or change the subject. And that’s okay too.

My prince charming is out there. I’ll never meet him if I’m pouting out how I haven’t met him yet. So tonight hot tub boating on Lake Union, not pouting at home about the one thing in life I’m currently lacking. Who knows, maybe someone incredible will be there.

Sitting in a hot tub, on a beautiful lake, looking at one of the most beautiful cities I’ve ever seen, with wonderful friends and new, soon to be friends.

What did I have to complain about again?

 

Goals

The last few weeks, I have lost all motivation. At first I thought I was just tired from too much fun along with overtraining. But it’s been a few weeks now. And I still have no motivation. No motivation to go to the gym. No motivation to do laundry, clean the house, go to work. Nothing. I even lack motivation to do fun things, like going out with friends.  Luckily this is not the first time I’ve gotten lazy and un-motivated, so I know how to shake it off and keep going. For starters, I do it anyway. I go to the gym anyway, even though I really don’t want too, I make the healthy dinner at home, instead of stopping for food. Secondly, I start setting really small manageable goals; so small you’ll probably laugh at them. Goals like: don’t eat that one cookie. Complete your whole work out today. Hold this plank position for 10 more seconds. When I accomplish those goals, even though they are small, I’m happy, it feels good. With these small goals, I relish the accomplishment for what it is. I don’t wish that I held plank for 20 seconds instead; I don’t think I should have doubled the workout I did. I’m proud of accomplishing exactly what I set out for, and nothing more.

All of this little goal setting, and achieving has gotten me thinking about the bigger goals that I have in life and how I never really appreciate the achievement of them. It seems that when I come close to accomplishing a goal I’ve set for myself, I’m already thinking of a new better goal. I never stop to congratulate myself and appreciate the goal I just achieved. This month I will hit a big goal that I set for myself. When I started losing weight, I set small 10lb goals, but my “far off in the distance” goal was to be 45lbs lighter than I was. I am currently 2lbs away from that goal that I set for myself 18 months ago. When I started I thought of all the things I would do for myself when I hit that goal, buy those jeans I wanted from Nordstrom, get that running gear from lulu lemon, buy the coach bag I had my eye on (I might have a shopping problem, but that’s for another post). I used those potential rewards to go to the gym when I didn’t want to, to not eat the food that I did want. But then when I got within about 10lbs of the goal I had set, I altered the goal, so that my ultimate goal was to lose 60lbs, not 45lbs.

This doesn’t matter in and of itself. The point of the rewards was to accomplish the goal, which I have done. The stuff doesn’t matter and I’ve done plenty for myself along the way (losing 40lbs means a lot of new clothes). The bigger question I’ve been pondering is, when I get that new goal, will I be happy? Will I like what I see in the mirror, will I be satisfied? I thought that when I hit the 45lb goal I would be, but I’m not. So then, when I hit the 60lb goal, will I already have a new goal? To be more toned, to have a flatter stomach, to be stronger and lift more weight and do more pull ups; seems like maybe I already have those goals, but haven’t fully articulated them.

I think what I’m coming to realize is that I will never be fully satisfied. I will always be striving to be better than I was. That wanting to have more, and be better is how I got where I am. So long as I remember to be happy with where I am, as well as excited about where I’m going, I can’t lose.

The thing is that although the best is yet come, where I am is pretty great too.

Words....

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about words, and how they affect us. It’s certain that words can have a strong effect on us, but can we control the extent of the effect? Certainly negative words have a stronger effect, so could we introduce more positive words to counter balance this?

The past year has been both a physical and a mental transformation. I honestly have to say the mental one has been and still is so much harder. I still see a chubby girl in the mirror, even when I look at the tag and see a number 8. It’s something that I struggle with daily. There are days I have to pick one thing that I like about what I see in the mirror, and I use that one thing to get out of the house and into the world. Unfortunately it’s the words of others that I hear on these days, and not the positive one.

I have the most incredible roommate. She tells me daily exactly how good she thinks I look and how all my hard work has paid off. She does not tolerate one word of negativity, and when something looks less than stellar, she’s the first to say it’s the clothes not the person, and the wrong cut could make even her size 2 frame look less than amazing.

But on those days that nothing looks quite right, it’s not her that I hear

 It’s the “friend” that told me that no matter how hard I work, men will never really be attracted to me, because I will always be “large” and I will never be “petite”. That, so long as I’m standing next to my roommate, no man will ever see me, because he’ll be looking at her. It’s the boy I wanted to date that, I thought wanted to date me that told me that I was over his weight limit for girlfriends. It’s every guy at a bar that’s come up to talk to my roommate and I, and then when she wasn’t interested or had a boyfriend, walked away. It’s every guy that talked to me all night and asked for my number, only to never be heard from again. It’s the friend of a friend that talked to me daily for 4 months, met me, and then wasn’t interested anymore.

So every day, my roommate and my friends and my family tell me how good I look, and what an amazing person I am. Then occasionally strangers and acquaintances say or do negative things. All that I think about is the bad stuff. Even in this post I was able to make quoted remarks about the negative things, and listed the positive things generically; because it’s the negative things that I hear in my head daily. How do I go about changing this? The easy answer is “Don’t listen to anyone but yourself”. But that’s not really an answer. To me it’s the same as saying “you don’t have any money?”  “well then go win the lottery”. It’s simply not that easy.

Not easy; but possible. I’m a firm believer that nothing worth having is easily attained. So I am making a concentrated effort to hear less negative and more positive. The first thing that I’ve done is that every time I think something negative about myself or a situation, I think of something positive to go along with it. At first it was difficult, and the positive things I thought of were actually just snarky sarcastic negative things. But slowly, it’s started to set in. This morning I thought how I didn’t want to go to work and I was so exhausted and work can be boring when you’re new and don’t know what you’re doing. Then I flipped it. I’m exhausted because I had a super fun weekend with great friends. I’m sometimes bored at work because I’m new, I’m new because I just accepted a position in a field I’m actually passionate about, with amazing opportunities to be had in the future.

I have also tried to stop articulating the negatives that come into my head. This has proven very difficult. I’ve realized that I’m snarky and sarcastic, and apparently quite the complainer. But in the last year and a half I’ve managed to quit saying “I wish…..” and started just making those things happen. So there’s no reason why I can’t stop complaining. Now when I think of something negative, instead of articulating it, I think of something positive about the situation and move on. This is a work in progress. I complain a lot. I think this tactic may actually make me a quieter person in general. Good thing I have a blog to talk about not complaining on.

The other thing I did was start having a positivity quote of the day. Turns out my roommate and I are both complainers. We have a lot of first world problems; which pretty much means no real problems at all. So every day for the past month I texted her a cheesy quote to think about for the day. It’s hard for me to pick a favorite, but here are a few I really like.

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get – Dale Carnegie

The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts – Marcus Aelius Aurelius

If you do what you’ve always done, you will get what you’ve always got. – Mark Twain

At first it was really silly. But the quotes kept coming to me in a really serendipitous way, throughout the course of every day, so I kept sending them to her.  Then one day after a couple of weeks I was having a really pouty day and feeling sorry for myself, and that Marcus Aurelius quote came into my head. And, to quote Barney Stinson “I stopped feeling sad and started feeling awesome instead” and it worked. I had thought of that quote and used it to change my mindset. Because I’m in charge of how I feel. What a novel concept!

The change I’m trying to make is not easy, but I think it’s truly worth it. It is something I’m going to have to work on every day. But everyday it’s getting easier, and I hope that at some point it will be second nature.

There will always be something to complain about. There will always be something not going your way. There will always be someone that has a problem with what you’re doing. But if you’re taking an active role in the happiness of your life, then there will always be something to be thankful for. There will always be something wonderful happening. There will always be someone that loves you.

You just have to decide which you want to see.

Why Not?

18 months ago I decided to change my life. I didn’t know at the time that that was what I was doing, but it was. I was very overweight, and very unhappy. I was settling. But I didn’t know those things either.

In March of 2011 a friend talked about going to Portland for a weekend, and running a race with friends. It sounded so fun. But I was seriously overweight and a runner is the last thing anyone would call me. I talked about going with her, just to hang out. She said I should run. I said no way, I could never do that. She said why not?

Those two words changed my life. Why not? Why shouldn’t I have everything I want? The only person that’s ever holding me back is me. She told me to pick out a race in a couple of months, to train and she’d do it with me. So I did. We picked a race in Sept, in Lake Chelan. I had 6 months to be able to run 6 miles, my quarter of the marathon that our team would complete. In that moment, talking about where we would stay and what we would do, it seemed like the greatest idea anyone ever had.

That night I went to the gym, to run. I have never been a runner. I’d been an athlete , in High School, but a softball player, that counted on a long hit, not a quick sprint. I read about starting to run and interval training, so I figured I’d run a mile, running 2 minutes walking 1 minute. Easy, right? Wrong. Those 2 minutes were the longest 2 minutes of my entire life. I didn’t even make it through. Walking for 1 minute? Forget about it, walking for 5 minutes at least until I could breathe again. It was the worst idea ever, me running.  But I wanted to do this. At first for my pride, how could I tell my marathoning friend that I couldn’t run for 2 minutes? Or that after those runs, if you can even call them that, I hurt so badly I could barely walk back into my house from my car? So my pride kept me going; running on treadmills or on sidewalks, 4 days a week, until I could actually run those 2 minutes straight. Then those 2 minutes became 5 minutes, then 7 minutes, then 10. And it was amazing. At some point it wasn’t just my pride anymore. I looked forward to those runs! I couldn’t wait to get out there. It still hurt, but the physical hurt was so much less than the joy I took, I could see my progress, in my times, in the lengths I could run, eventually on the scale.

As summertime came around I faced a new challenge. Other runners. These girls that were running past me, not breaking a sweat, easily running twice as fast as me; most of them weighing 70-100lbs less than I did. I made a decision then, not to let them get to me. It’s a decision I still struggle with everyday, to define myself and not be defined by who’s around me. I was out here, I was doing this. I was on my way to being them. I decided to let them motivate me instead of hold me back. Why not?

The support system I had (and have) around me is incredible, it was that support system that made this transformation possible. A mom that was so excited for me every day, when I called. Cheered me on that I had run that run 1 minute faster, or gone .5 miles further. Always genuinely excited for the smallest accomplishment, and always willing to listen to me talk about the same thing I had talked about every day for months. My roommate was equally supportive going on runs with me, excited about every pound, every mile. She would never (and still won’t ever) listen to one negative thing. Really if you’re saying terrible things about yourself, what do you expect others to say? If everyone had a cheerleaders like these, we would all accomplish all of our goals.

 I met my running partner in May. I was so excited about running I would talk about it to anyone that would listen, and luckily Mylissa did. She was a runner before having kids and wanted to get back into it, so she did. Why not? The first day we went for a run we did 4 miles, which was a long run for me at the time, and a really long run for a woman that hadn’t been running in 2 years. I told Missy that I ran 10 minutes, then walked for 1 minute. After the first 10 minute interval, Missy told me I could run straight through, and didn’t really need walking breaks anymore. So that’s what we did. Why not?

In the course of our runs we talked about everything, about her life and my life and her kids and husband and my boyfriend. We talked about goals and plans and dreams. She taught me so much about being strong and going after whatever you want. I would not be where I am without her support and encouragement. She was always pushing me, we can one run mile further, we can sprint to the end, we can do 2 long runs this week.  She told me about the half marathon that she had run.   She said we should run one, plan a girls weekend, let’s go to Leavenworth she said. So we did.

We ran and on those runs I figured out what I wanted and what I deserved. And that they were the same. Running gave me time to think about my life, to get some reflection. Instead of just living, I was deciding how I wanted to live. It’s a simple but novel concept. Are you deciding your fate? Or just dealing with what’s being handed to you?

In October of 2011 I ran my first half marathon. My goal was to run the full 13.1 miles and I did. In those 8 months I had taken big steps to changing my life.  I had lost 18lbs, but more importantly I had decided that I deserved everything I wanted. I eliminated anyone from my life that wasn’t 100% supportive of me, along with my self-doubt and those 18 pounds.

Since that day in October when I did what I never thought I could do, I’ve kept up that mentality. Why not? I’ve lost an additional 20lbs bringing my total pounds lost in 18 months to 38. I’ve dropped from an unhappy size 16/18 to a confident size 8/10. People ask me a lot how I did it. I could tell them about all the different work outs I’ve done, to ward off monotony and muscle plateau. I could talk about the ways I’ve tried to alter my diet, while still enjoying food and being a cook and baker. I could talk about how when I started I knew I was overweight but I didn’t realize how unhappy I was about it, so losing weight wasn’t the goal. Running was the goal. And running is a lot more dependable than weight loss. I got my satisfaction, my motivation, my momentum from the miles and minutes, not the pounds. The pounds were a happy accident. When people ask me how I did it, I say I just did, why not?

I wish that I had documented the last 18 months. But like I said, I didn’t realize I was changing my life. I wish that I had stopped along the way to truly thank all the people that were helping me, supporting me, and generally being there for me. Without them, I don’t think I could have achieved any of it. I hope they know that it was their encouragement, support, and willingness to do whatever I needed that allowed me to accomplish the things I have. In the last year I ran a half marathon. I completed a triathlon. I ran a 5k in the snow. I learned to snowboard. I did a 42 mile bike ride.

What will I do in the next year?

I am still a work in progress, which brings me to the point of this current writing endeavor. I want a record of what’s left of this journey. I have 3 weeks until my next big event, a 12 mile, 24-obstacle race, to take place in the Pacific NW in the end of September. It will be physical grueling, the actual physical feats, as well as the conditions. Ask me if I could do that a year ago? Why not? More like probably not. But here I am. So I’m hoping to keep a check on myself and my goals here.

I have 20 more pounds to lose, and they say those last 10 are the hardest.

But I used to say I wasn’t a runner. So what does anyone know?

         Before                                                                             In Progress