Happy

Today I woke up happy. I know that this sounds like a small thing, but when you lack internal happiness for a while, its return is so wonderful! The last few weeks I’ve been in such a funk. I’ve had happy moments, but I haven’t been happy. It’s been work for me to positive. I’ve been mopey, and jealous, and frankly probably not that pleasant to be around (sorry roommate, you’re the best!). When someone has to try and be happy, it’s obvious.

I am generally a really happy person. I usually can see the best in things and people. I normally always feel like things about to get awesome, so even when they’re terrible, I’m still happy, because I know that any minute, they’re going to get awesome again. Because I usually have an internal happiness, when that goes away, I’m lost. I’m terrible at pretending to be happy, because it’s not something that I usually have to do. I suppose the only good thing about these occasional funks is that one, I recognize them and try to combat them, and two, once they’re gone I’m all the more happy! I appreciate that internal happiness and am grateful that this is an occasional struggle for me, as I know a lot of people struggle with positivity and happiness every day.

I’ve been trying to think all morning about what changed between every day the last 3 weeks and today. I don’t think it was just one thing, and I also think, at least for me, sometimes it just takes time. Last night was the first good night of sleep I’ve gotten in weeks, but that presents a chicken or the egg. Have I been sleeping poorly the last few weeks because I’ve been anxious, or have I been extra anxious because I was lacking sleep?

I also had a great conversation with my parents last night. I am so grateful for the relationship that I have with them. I’m very close with both of my parents. I can talk to them easily 4 times a week. This puts me in the minority among my friends, where weekly conversations may seem excessive. If I go 4 days without talking to one of them, it’s a long time. They are my sounding bored, my best source of advice, the world’s greatest cheerleaders. I could not ask for better parents and I hope that they know that I appreciate them, each and every day.

Everything that I have been able to accomplish in life has been a direct result of their parenting. They made me strong and independent and a hard worker. It’s only because of their support that I’ve been able to take all the leaps of faith that allowed me to be where I am. I was able to move out of state to go to college because I knew if I failed, if it were too hard, I could go back home to them. They enabled me to take a risk, I knew if I fell, it would be okay. In a more real sense, they consigned the loans that allowed me to attend a private university in a major city. As I struggle to repay those loans, I know this was no small risk.

I think that at times they probably wish they didn’t make me quite so independent. But they appreciate me for what I am, and I hope that I make them proud.

I credit the majority of my success and happiness in life to my parents. Yes, I’ve seized opportunities and worked hard to be where I am. But it was my parents that taught me that hard work is rewarded. It was my parents that helped me get into a place where opportunities would be presented for the seizing.

It’s sometimes ironic to me, how much credit I feel they deserve for my success. I’ve known people in life that blame all their failure and unhappiness on their parents. That attitude makes no sense to me. At some point you need to be accountable and take control of your own happiness; blaming someone else, a parent, a spouse, a boss will never correct the problem. Yet the flip of that is that I think my parents deserve all the credit for who I am. I guess I think that parents should just always do the best that they are able. And the best you can do is always good enough. So maybe my parents were able to do more, to put me in a better place, and then I ran with that. So maybe those people who blame their parents weren’t put into to such a good place. They still could have ran with it and made something wonderful for themselves.  If I were to flip it, my parents didn’t pay for college, because they were not able. They did the best they could by co-signing loans I never could have gotten on my own. I could have let that hold me back and sat home pouting that I couldn’t go to college because no one would pay for it; but I didn’t . I appreciated what they were able to do for me and used that as a jumping off point to do something for myself.

Also, as an update, hot tub boating was exactly as epic as it sounds. The dance party until 4am was absolutely worth only getting 3 hours of sleep. Roomate and I made a rubber ducky friend.

This weekend is Oktoberfest in Fremont, then next weekend it’s time to get dirty at the tough mudder! I’m terrified so I apologize if all posts next week relate to my fear of getting electrocuted, letting the team down, and being freezing cold. It’s going to be awesome.